If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
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