Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
