You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
