If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
