respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
