I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
