You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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