I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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