i think i have two assholes
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Randomize
