I could make wine with my vomit
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
