I need help removing her.
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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