Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
There are leaves in my underwear?
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
