the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
