batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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