I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
