Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
