Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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