So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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