you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
