I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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