marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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