Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Randomize
