Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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