I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
