the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
