Your dad touched me again.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
