Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Randomize
