It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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