ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
