I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
