Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
