took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
