I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
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