All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I enjoy the company of your penis
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
