Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
