I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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