walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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