if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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