her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
