Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
you didnt know i had herpes?
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
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