well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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