tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Randomize
