So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Im part way to drunk.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Randomize
