just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
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