I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
