I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
