i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
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