so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
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