I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize