Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
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