First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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