Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Randomize
