if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
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