Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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