Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Randomize
