oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
