I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
