you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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