I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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