A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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