the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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