I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
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