You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Randomize
