i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
you would pick up someone in the library
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
