yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
