I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I think your dad took our porno
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
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