i'm signing you up for texting rehab
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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