WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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