mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
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