I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
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