I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Randomize
